B - O - R - I - N - G

They're gathering once again in D.C. for the most exciting couple of hours that you will ever see on ESPN. The cameras are out, fans poised with bated breath, waiting for the emergence of the next star. What sport you ask? The 78th annual Scripps National Spelling Bee, of course.

Who among us doesn't recall fondly that triumphant 1994 performance by local southern-boy-gone-good Ned Andrews and his tear-jerking rendition of antediluvian? A little disappointing that he couldn't defend his title, but a top-ten finish in '95 and his mother working on the committee probably opened plenty of doors for him: Tennessee Tech, Home Depot, panhandling.

And don't forget the scandal that mired the program in its early days when two "strangers" from Des Moines, Iowa (population at that time was only 12 people) won the contest in 1930 and '32 with softball tosses fracas and knack. Public outcry was so loud, Scripps had to bring in the tough words for '33 and poor Alma Roach almost passed out trying to spell torsion for the win.

Now before the letters start pouring in from all corners of the free spelling-world, I should say that most of the above was s-a-r-c-a-s-m, a noun meaning a form of wit that is marked by the use of sarcastic language and is intended to make its victim the butt of contempt or ridicule. Its origin is with the Late Latin word sarcasmus and there are no alternate pronuncitions.

I guess early June must be a down time for the E-S-P-N family -- basketball playoffs come on at night, no football for months, baseball only a handful of afternoon games, hockey is screwing us. You have three channels of 24-7 time slots to fill, maybe you get desperate. But, that's still no excuse for broadcasting this borefest (not technically a word). Maybe back in the olden days when entertainment didn't exist and for fun, people got together in sitting rooms (sans TV) and actually talked to one another. You didn't want to sound like you had just stepped off the boat, so you learned how to spell and write.

When you wrote a real letter to your local knight-in-shining-armor because they lived over four miles away, you needed to know about silent k's. Or how careful you ought be when sprinkling the tough "-ough" stem throughout a sentence. And "ps" beginnings can make you simply psychotic. Those things were useful back then.

Today, it just a bunch of kids pressured by their parents and siblings, spelling words I can look up in twelve seconds on www.dictionary.com -- is that a talent? Is there ever a moment in your life, say in an interview, when this art was needed? Did the last mugger who stopped you on the street, say: Hey pal, spell sycophant or we'll take everything you've got...